Why is it so difficult to give up something you actually want to give up really badly, but at the same time don't want to?
Confusing, right? This is how I've been feeling about a lot of things in my life lately. Just one way to find out what to do, and that's to ask God. Which I haven;t been able to do cause of all the guilt and what not.
Is the gap too far to be bridged?
Have I run out of rope?
Do I have a chance?
Is it too late to make amends?
Saturday, September 25, 2010
End of Term
Alright. Who knew 3 months could pass so quickly? Anyway, it's all done, including the open book exams (what a sham, right?).
Life is pretty good. I'm coasting along comfortably. Can't complain.
Even though there has been a nagging feeling about some things. I wish I did not have to deal with grown-up stuff.
Just some random thoughts. Will put them down in a few minutes.
Life is pretty good. I'm coasting along comfortably. Can't complain.
Even though there has been a nagging feeling about some things. I wish I did not have to deal with grown-up stuff.
Just some random thoughts. Will put them down in a few minutes.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
After an eon
I know. It's been a long time.
But in my defence, I have been busy.
With college, with family, with friends.
And I am loving every second of it.
Two months of forced idleness taught me all I need to learn about being lazy.
Never again.
Its been a blessing to be where I am.
God has indeed been good to me.
After almost two months of college, I finally get to do what I love BEST: I get to write.
The sound of the keyboard is ambrosia to my ears.
The release, the flow of words is healing.
A lot has gone on in these past couple of months. But I have come through unscathed.
Whether its apathy or a steel will, I will never know.
What I do know is a deep faith in the ONE who has kept me safe so long.
I haven't been faithful to Him, not one bit.
But He has. I don't deserve it.
His Grace is so infinite.
So marvellous.
Every day I ask myself: Why me? Why am I blessed?
Still I doubt and stand at the edge of His fold.
Will I be accepted?
But in my defence, I have been busy.
With college, with family, with friends.
And I am loving every second of it.
Two months of forced idleness taught me all I need to learn about being lazy.
Never again.
Its been a blessing to be where I am.
God has indeed been good to me.
After almost two months of college, I finally get to do what I love BEST: I get to write.
The sound of the keyboard is ambrosia to my ears.
The release, the flow of words is healing.
A lot has gone on in these past couple of months. But I have come through unscathed.
Whether its apathy or a steel will, I will never know.
What I do know is a deep faith in the ONE who has kept me safe so long.
I haven't been faithful to Him, not one bit.
But He has. I don't deserve it.
His Grace is so infinite.
So marvellous.
Every day I ask myself: Why me? Why am I blessed?
Still I doubt and stand at the edge of His fold.
Will I be accepted?
Friday, June 25, 2010
Boredom
FarmVille. FrontierVille. Treasure Isle. Sorority Life. Crazy Cabbie. Cube Crash.
These are the things that have been my constant companions for the past 2 months (and more) of absolute vettiness.
Yeah, I am slowly going crazy with boredom. Why cant college start earlier! I cannot wait to start doing the one thing that gives me some purpose in life.
These are the things that have been my constant companions for the past 2 months (and more) of absolute vettiness.
Yeah, I am slowly going crazy with boredom. Why cant college start earlier! I cannot wait to start doing the one thing that gives me some purpose in life.
Monday, June 14, 2010
"God is so cute!" "Yeah, He totally ROCKS!!"
These are the words of two very deliriously happy girls i.e Rohini and me, for the simple reason that God has shown Himself to be cute and yeah, I'll say it again:HE TOTALLY ROCKS!
It never ceases to amaze me how God keeps rewarding me, unfaithful as I am to Him. But there can be no-one more grateful to Him than I am. For He has given me a family and friends circle like no-one else I know. Every one of them praying for me, every one of them encouraging me. I could NOT have done this without them. Now is my time to shine, and above all make them proud.
Thank you Lord. I'm living my dream. And it feels like heaven!
It never ceases to amaze me how God keeps rewarding me, unfaithful as I am to Him. But there can be no-one more grateful to Him than I am. For He has given me a family and friends circle like no-one else I know. Every one of them praying for me, every one of them encouraging me. I could NOT have done this without them. Now is my time to shine, and above all make them proud.
Thank you Lord. I'm living my dream. And it feels like heaven!
Friday, May 14, 2010
Hung up on the past?
I was up all night. Stayed up till around 8 in the morning. Yes, I do weird crazy things at times. Like today, I brought in this random puppy and bathed and fed it and played with it. What can I say, I'm a sucker for that damn puppy dog face!
Anyway, around 6AM I went up to my terrace (3rd floor, mind you). It was a beautiful, balmy tropic summer morning. And I was just staring at how beautiful the city landscape looked. Its new to me, I am a suburban chica through and through and I miss it terribly. Although I don't let on as much to my parents.
I scarcely expected what I got to see this morning. It was quiet and people went about their business and the thing that surprised me most were PARROTS! The last time I saw a parrot in a tree was way back in my old house on the mango tree. But here there were like almost a dozen, cavorting around like they owned the place and I got super super excited! Wanted to click a picture, even had a title for it - Parrots in Purasaiwalkam. Well unfortunately, the zoom on my N73 does not stretch that far.
The thing that got me all teary eyed was the terrace right opposite mine. It had a white door. Red terracotta floor tiling. And it reminded me so so much of the endless hours my cousins and I played on a similar tile, around a similar door. Our heaven, our playroom, the one place where we made all the rules. Our kingdom! And I began to wonder why I reacted so extremely. Why am I so hung up on the past. I am 20 now and I know I'm never gonna be 8 years old and pasting posters on my grandma's garage wall again!
Then, I remembered something someone very close to me told me a while ago.
"You can always create new memories."
The context in which it was said did come true. And I realized heart of hearts, this will come through too.
Anyway, around 6AM I went up to my terrace (3rd floor, mind you). It was a beautiful, balmy tropic summer morning. And I was just staring at how beautiful the city landscape looked. Its new to me, I am a suburban chica through and through and I miss it terribly. Although I don't let on as much to my parents.
I scarcely expected what I got to see this morning. It was quiet and people went about their business and the thing that surprised me most were PARROTS! The last time I saw a parrot in a tree was way back in my old house on the mango tree. But here there were like almost a dozen, cavorting around like they owned the place and I got super super excited! Wanted to click a picture, even had a title for it - Parrots in Purasaiwalkam. Well unfortunately, the zoom on my N73 does not stretch that far.
The thing that got me all teary eyed was the terrace right opposite mine. It had a white door. Red terracotta floor tiling. And it reminded me so so much of the endless hours my cousins and I played on a similar tile, around a similar door. Our heaven, our playroom, the one place where we made all the rules. Our kingdom! And I began to wonder why I reacted so extremely. Why am I so hung up on the past. I am 20 now and I know I'm never gonna be 8 years old and pasting posters on my grandma's garage wall again!
Then, I remembered something someone very close to me told me a while ago.
"You can always create new memories."
The context in which it was said did come true. And I realized heart of hearts, this will come through too.
Wide Open Spaces.
Wide open spaces, rooftops.
Sun rising.
I think of you, us.
Our love.
You gave me your all,
I did too.
I always will, my love.
Breezes blow.
I hear your voice, your heartbeat,
Call out to me.
And I follow, in my minds eye
Your scent.
Ethereal, engulfing me in desire,
Consuming me.
Your loving caresses, strong yet tender
Embolden me.
My love for you, unbidden
Yet welcomed,
Like rain to parched earth:
My past.
So many words to say, unwritten
I struggle.
Wrestling with emotion so strong
I shudder.
To imagine what would be
Without you.
I love you, all I can say.
Three words.
I pray they suffice, I hope.
I promise:
To be by your side
Forever.
Naught can tear us apart.
Together forever.
Ease your sorrow, heal your pain,
Never cause either.
With all I am, I love you.
Never doubt.
Sun rising.
I think of you, us.
Our love.
You gave me your all,
I did too.
I always will, my love.
Breezes blow.
I hear your voice, your heartbeat,
Call out to me.
And I follow, in my minds eye
Your scent.
Ethereal, engulfing me in desire,
Consuming me.
Your loving caresses, strong yet tender
Embolden me.
My love for you, unbidden
Yet welcomed,
Like rain to parched earth:
My past.
So many words to say, unwritten
I struggle.
Wrestling with emotion so strong
I shudder.
To imagine what would be
Without you.
I love you, all I can say.
Three words.
I pray they suffice, I hope.
I promise:
To be by your side
Forever.
Naught can tear us apart.
Together forever.
Ease your sorrow, heal your pain,
Never cause either.
With all I am, I love you.
Never doubt.
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