Spill.

Words boiling under my skin.

Ready to burst. Pour our.

Spill like alphabet soup, run blue with ink, black with lead, soak paper, drench it.

Sate the need.

Pop.

Pop. Pop. Pop.

In my head, bubbles burst.

Shake.

Shimmer.

Then disappear.

A rainbow flash.

Nothing else remains.

It's been a while.

I wonder why it's so difficult to do the one thing I love the most.

Why I don't take the time to write just for myself.

It's cathartic, to say the least.

Now with one of the biggest steps I have to take in my life coming up, I am nervous. No no, I am not getting married! It would be fun though. That's material for a different post.

Placement fever is in the air. Being tested, interviewed, judged. I swear I am getting nightmares and sleepless nights all at the same time.

My appa asked me what my goal was - as in where do I want to be, where do I want to work. Frankly speaking, I just want a job! Terms like economic viability just don't make sense to me right now.

Add to that the fact that the very first placement test is on Palm Sunday. One of my most favorite Sundays. What/Who do I choose? Is it a test of a different sort?

I don't think of taking Sunday off for a trip with friends, so why should this Sunday be any different?

Should I give up the test which is going to hire the highest number of candidates and gives me a shot at being in Chennai?

As I always have and will continue to do, should I leave everything up to God and trust that He will give me the place that I want?

Confusion.

Cynical

I have always trusted people easily. You could even call me naive.

But I'm learning that not everyone is as clear-cut as I make them out to be. I try to be, so I simply assume that everyone else is too.

People can surprise you, like really. I mean, even the ones you think won't ever betray you. It happens. Shit happens.

It hurts, so I shut it out. A message, a sliver of unwanted memories, anything can put me out of sorts for as long as a week.

I have become cynical of most things now. And it's sad. Because life was more beautiful, people were more wonderful, the sky was bluer, the future seemed brighter.

Now, it all seems dank, with highlights of sunshine.

Amends?

Why is it so difficult to give up something you actually want to give up really badly, but at the same time don't want to?

Confusing, right? This is how I've been feeling about a lot of things in my life lately. Just one way to find out what to do, and that's to ask God. Which I haven;t been able to do cause of all the guilt and what not.

Is the gap too far to be bridged?

Have I run out of rope?

Do I have a chance?

Is it too late to make amends?

End of Term

Alright. Who knew 3 months could pass so quickly? Anyway, it's all done, including the open book exams (what a sham, right?).

Life is pretty good. I'm coasting along comfortably. Can't complain.

Even though there has been a nagging feeling about some things. I wish I did not have to deal with grown-up stuff.

Just some random thoughts. Will put them down in a few minutes.

After an eon

I know. It's been a long time.
But in my defence, I have been busy.
With college, with family, with friends.

And I am loving every second of it.
Two months of forced idleness taught me all I need to learn about being lazy.
Never again.

Its been a blessing to be where I am.
God has indeed been good to me.

After almost two months of college, I finally get to do what I love BEST: I get to write.
The sound of the keyboard is ambrosia to my ears.
The release, the flow of words is healing.

A lot has gone on in these past couple of months. But I have come through unscathed.
Whether its apathy or a steel will, I will never know.
What I do know is a deep faith in the ONE who has kept me safe so long.
I haven't been faithful to Him, not one bit.
But He has. I don't deserve it.
His Grace is so infinite.
So marvellous.

Every day I ask myself: Why me? Why am I blessed?
Still I doubt and stand at the edge of His fold.

Will I be accepted?