I have always trusted people easily. You could even call me naive.
But I'm learning that not everyone is as clear-cut as I make them out to be. I try to be, so I simply assume that everyone else is too.
People can surprise you, like really. I mean, even the ones you think won't ever betray you. It happens. Shit happens.
It hurts, so I shut it out. A message, a sliver of unwanted memories, anything can put me out of sorts for as long as a week.
I have become cynical of most things now. And it's sad. Because life was more beautiful, people were more wonderful, the sky was bluer, the future seemed brighter.
Now, it all seems dank, with highlights of sunshine.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Amends?
Why is it so difficult to give up something you actually want to give up really badly, but at the same time don't want to?
Confusing, right? This is how I've been feeling about a lot of things in my life lately. Just one way to find out what to do, and that's to ask God. Which I haven;t been able to do cause of all the guilt and what not.
Is the gap too far to be bridged?
Have I run out of rope?
Do I have a chance?
Is it too late to make amends?
Confusing, right? This is how I've been feeling about a lot of things in my life lately. Just one way to find out what to do, and that's to ask God. Which I haven;t been able to do cause of all the guilt and what not.
Is the gap too far to be bridged?
Have I run out of rope?
Do I have a chance?
Is it too late to make amends?
End of Term
Alright. Who knew 3 months could pass so quickly? Anyway, it's all done, including the open book exams (what a sham, right?).
Life is pretty good. I'm coasting along comfortably. Can't complain.
Even though there has been a nagging feeling about some things. I wish I did not have to deal with grown-up stuff.
Just some random thoughts. Will put them down in a few minutes.
Life is pretty good. I'm coasting along comfortably. Can't complain.
Even though there has been a nagging feeling about some things. I wish I did not have to deal with grown-up stuff.
Just some random thoughts. Will put them down in a few minutes.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
After an eon
I know. It's been a long time.
But in my defence, I have been busy.
With college, with family, with friends.
And I am loving every second of it.
Two months of forced idleness taught me all I need to learn about being lazy.
Never again.
Its been a blessing to be where I am.
God has indeed been good to me.
After almost two months of college, I finally get to do what I love BEST: I get to write.
The sound of the keyboard is ambrosia to my ears.
The release, the flow of words is healing.
A lot has gone on in these past couple of months. But I have come through unscathed.
Whether its apathy or a steel will, I will never know.
What I do know is a deep faith in the ONE who has kept me safe so long.
I haven't been faithful to Him, not one bit.
But He has. I don't deserve it.
His Grace is so infinite.
So marvellous.
Every day I ask myself: Why me? Why am I blessed?
Still I doubt and stand at the edge of His fold.
Will I be accepted?
But in my defence, I have been busy.
With college, with family, with friends.
And I am loving every second of it.
Two months of forced idleness taught me all I need to learn about being lazy.
Never again.
Its been a blessing to be where I am.
God has indeed been good to me.
After almost two months of college, I finally get to do what I love BEST: I get to write.
The sound of the keyboard is ambrosia to my ears.
The release, the flow of words is healing.
A lot has gone on in these past couple of months. But I have come through unscathed.
Whether its apathy or a steel will, I will never know.
What I do know is a deep faith in the ONE who has kept me safe so long.
I haven't been faithful to Him, not one bit.
But He has. I don't deserve it.
His Grace is so infinite.
So marvellous.
Every day I ask myself: Why me? Why am I blessed?
Still I doubt and stand at the edge of His fold.
Will I be accepted?
Friday, June 25, 2010
Boredom
FarmVille. FrontierVille. Treasure Isle. Sorority Life. Crazy Cabbie. Cube Crash.
These are the things that have been my constant companions for the past 2 months (and more) of absolute vettiness.
Yeah, I am slowly going crazy with boredom. Why cant college start earlier! I cannot wait to start doing the one thing that gives me some purpose in life.
These are the things that have been my constant companions for the past 2 months (and more) of absolute vettiness.
Yeah, I am slowly going crazy with boredom. Why cant college start earlier! I cannot wait to start doing the one thing that gives me some purpose in life.
Monday, June 14, 2010
"God is so cute!" "Yeah, He totally ROCKS!!"
These are the words of two very deliriously happy girls i.e Rohini and me, for the simple reason that God has shown Himself to be cute and yeah, I'll say it again:HE TOTALLY ROCKS!
It never ceases to amaze me how God keeps rewarding me, unfaithful as I am to Him. But there can be no-one more grateful to Him than I am. For He has given me a family and friends circle like no-one else I know. Every one of them praying for me, every one of them encouraging me. I could NOT have done this without them. Now is my time to shine, and above all make them proud.
Thank you Lord. I'm living my dream. And it feels like heaven!
It never ceases to amaze me how God keeps rewarding me, unfaithful as I am to Him. But there can be no-one more grateful to Him than I am. For He has given me a family and friends circle like no-one else I know. Every one of them praying for me, every one of them encouraging me. I could NOT have done this without them. Now is my time to shine, and above all make them proud.
Thank you Lord. I'm living my dream. And it feels like heaven!
Friday, May 14, 2010
Hung up on the past?
I was up all night. Stayed up till around 8 in the morning. Yes, I do weird crazy things at times. Like today, I brought in this random puppy and bathed and fed it and played with it. What can I say, I'm a sucker for that damn puppy dog face!
Anyway, around 6AM I went up to my terrace (3rd floor, mind you). It was a beautiful, balmy tropic summer morning. And I was just staring at how beautiful the city landscape looked. Its new to me, I am a suburban chica through and through and I miss it terribly. Although I don't let on as much to my parents.
I scarcely expected what I got to see this morning. It was quiet and people went about their business and the thing that surprised me most were PARROTS! The last time I saw a parrot in a tree was way back in my old house on the mango tree. But here there were like almost a dozen, cavorting around like they owned the place and I got super super excited! Wanted to click a picture, even had a title for it - Parrots in Purasaiwalkam. Well unfortunately, the zoom on my N73 does not stretch that far.
The thing that got me all teary eyed was the terrace right opposite mine. It had a white door. Red terracotta floor tiling. And it reminded me so so much of the endless hours my cousins and I played on a similar tile, around a similar door. Our heaven, our playroom, the one place where we made all the rules. Our kingdom! And I began to wonder why I reacted so extremely. Why am I so hung up on the past. I am 20 now and I know I'm never gonna be 8 years old and pasting posters on my grandma's garage wall again!
Then, I remembered something someone very close to me told me a while ago.
"You can always create new memories."
The context in which it was said did come true. And I realized heart of hearts, this will come through too.
Anyway, around 6AM I went up to my terrace (3rd floor, mind you). It was a beautiful, balmy tropic summer morning. And I was just staring at how beautiful the city landscape looked. Its new to me, I am a suburban chica through and through and I miss it terribly. Although I don't let on as much to my parents.
I scarcely expected what I got to see this morning. It was quiet and people went about their business and the thing that surprised me most were PARROTS! The last time I saw a parrot in a tree was way back in my old house on the mango tree. But here there were like almost a dozen, cavorting around like they owned the place and I got super super excited! Wanted to click a picture, even had a title for it - Parrots in Purasaiwalkam. Well unfortunately, the zoom on my N73 does not stretch that far.
The thing that got me all teary eyed was the terrace right opposite mine. It had a white door. Red terracotta floor tiling. And it reminded me so so much of the endless hours my cousins and I played on a similar tile, around a similar door. Our heaven, our playroom, the one place where we made all the rules. Our kingdom! And I began to wonder why I reacted so extremely. Why am I so hung up on the past. I am 20 now and I know I'm never gonna be 8 years old and pasting posters on my grandma's garage wall again!
Then, I remembered something someone very close to me told me a while ago.
"You can always create new memories."
The context in which it was said did come true. And I realized heart of hearts, this will come through too.
Wide Open Spaces.
Wide open spaces, rooftops.
Sun rising.
I think of you, us.
Our love.
You gave me your all,
I did too.
I always will, my love.
Breezes blow.
I hear your voice, your heartbeat,
Call out to me.
And I follow, in my minds eye
Your scent.
Ethereal, engulfing me in desire,
Consuming me.
Your loving caresses, strong yet tender
Embolden me.
My love for you, unbidden
Yet welcomed,
Like rain to parched earth:
My past.
So many words to say, unwritten
I struggle.
Wrestling with emotion so strong
I shudder.
To imagine what would be
Without you.
I love you, all I can say.
Three words.
I pray they suffice, I hope.
I promise:
To be by your side
Forever.
Naught can tear us apart.
Together forever.
Ease your sorrow, heal your pain,
Never cause either.
With all I am, I love you.
Never doubt.
Sun rising.
I think of you, us.
Our love.
You gave me your all,
I did too.
I always will, my love.
Breezes blow.
I hear your voice, your heartbeat,
Call out to me.
And I follow, in my minds eye
Your scent.
Ethereal, engulfing me in desire,
Consuming me.
Your loving caresses, strong yet tender
Embolden me.
My love for you, unbidden
Yet welcomed,
Like rain to parched earth:
My past.
So many words to say, unwritten
I struggle.
Wrestling with emotion so strong
I shudder.
To imagine what would be
Without you.
I love you, all I can say.
Three words.
I pray they suffice, I hope.
I promise:
To be by your side
Forever.
Naught can tear us apart.
Together forever.
Ease your sorrow, heal your pain,
Never cause either.
With all I am, I love you.
Never doubt.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Hearts.
Okay, the hearts on the layout are a bit much I agree. I just felt like it :)
I like hearts. They're tacky and goofy, yet the simplest expression of love I can think of.
Yet, I'm not crazy about them. Believe me, around mid-February I get really sick of them, floating all over the place in reds and pinks and eeewrgggh.
Hold on. I have a red heart AND a pink heart (embroidered with the word Love on it) on my bed. Given to me by my sweetheart, of course. *EEEEEEEEEEEE*
Anyway. That is my sentimental side and all that. I don't really like showing that out too much. Although I have boxes and files filled with paper and such randomly RANDOM things just so I can remember people and places and things that happened to me.
Yes, many of those things have hearts drawn on them. Mostly by me. :P That's not going to surprise you is it!
I love the heart smiley on GTalk. Its adorable. Sending one out to the ones I love and an extra big one to the ONE I love :)
I like hearts. They're tacky and goofy, yet the simplest expression of love I can think of.
Yet, I'm not crazy about them. Believe me, around mid-February I get really sick of them, floating all over the place in reds and pinks and eeewrgggh.
Hold on. I have a red heart AND a pink heart (embroidered with the word Love on it) on my bed. Given to me by my sweetheart, of course. *EEEEEEEEEEEE*
Anyway. That is my sentimental side and all that. I don't really like showing that out too much. Although I have boxes and files filled with paper and such randomly RANDOM things just so I can remember people and places and things that happened to me.
Yes, many of those things have hearts drawn on them. Mostly by me. :P That's not going to surprise you is it!
I love the heart smiley on GTalk. Its adorable. Sending one out to the ones I love and an extra big one to the ONE I love :)
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Tharoor + Sunanda + Modi = What is THAT all about?!
Ok, so the third edition of the multi-million (billion?) dollar Indian Premier League is going on. And as usual, with glitz, glamor and glory, confusion, corruption and chaos are present in equal if not excess measure.
So I'm chatting with my Quizwondo, Apoorva Sripathi :) and she wants to know what's up with these people. Here is the conversation that ensued:
Apoorva: i didnt like it after IPL 1 :) me too Susanna: yeah :) the wall :)
Apoorva: yep :)
Susanna: and nw tht politics is mixed up its even worse
Apoorva: what exactly is happening? i dont understand :S
Susanna: tharoor said he "mentored" the rendezvous group tht bought kochi team but lalit modi a.k.a daffy duck face :P says tht tharoor is more involved and so the franchise should be taken away and re-bid
Apoorva: lol insult to daffy :( oh ok ok Susanna: apparently this chick gets 70 crores without actually doing anything other than being tharoors "very very good friend". Ahem.
Apoorva: hahahaha!! how is she involved in this?
Susanna: according to modi, she is named in the equity holders
Apoorva: oh apdi
Susanna: yeah i have to find out what the heck sweat equity is
Apoorva: why? for acj?
Susanna: no cuz thts what she is being offered
Apoorva: oh lol ok
Susanna: Sweat equity is a term used to describe the contribution made to a project by people who contribute their time and effort.
Apoorva: oh ok so they just work and dont contribute money? and they get returns?
Susanna: the prob with sunanda pushkar is... Modi is hinting tht the onli sweating she does is with tharoor :P
Apoorva: AHAHAHAHAHA
I am trying my best to be discreet about the whole affair :P
So I'm chatting with my Quizwondo, Apoorva Sripathi :) and she wants to know what's up with these people. Here is the conversation that ensued:
Susanna: ipl is becoming sick
i wanna see a good ol' test match nw!
wanna see dravid bat :D
sunanda pushkar?
I am trying my best to be discreet about the whole affair :P
Saturday, April 17, 2010
It's a Sunday. And I'm at home. It sucks not going to Church. For various reasons.
1. I feel guilty as hell. Even if I'm sick and sound like a watchman with terminal TB (no offense).
2. I miss seeing my cutie pie Sunday school kids. They're so adorable, even though for some reason, every time I say "Let's pray, then you can play", they launch out into monologues on their favorite animals (?!) and train journeys. Go figure.
3. Being 3rd Sunday, I missed youth fellowship. Wonder if we had it today though, it being "Faith Festival" and all... That's a different story altogether. One best left untouched. I'm really not into opening cans of worms. Yick!
4. My family. Its so nice to know that at least one day of the week I get to see them all.
5. My Church itself. It keeps me grounded.
I suppose I could go easy on myself, but its just not happening.
1. I feel guilty as hell. Even if I'm sick and sound like a watchman with terminal TB (no offense).
2. I miss seeing my cutie pie Sunday school kids. They're so adorable, even though for some reason, every time I say "Let's pray, then you can play", they launch out into monologues on their favorite animals (?!) and train journeys. Go figure.
3. Being 3rd Sunday, I missed youth fellowship. Wonder if we had it today though, it being "Faith Festival" and all... That's a different story altogether. One best left untouched. I'm really not into opening cans of worms. Yick!
4. My family. Its so nice to know that at least one day of the week I get to see them all.
5. My Church itself. It keeps me grounded.
I suppose I could go easy on myself, but its just not happening.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Futuristic
Just came back from a potential job interview. Traveled in the pleasant Chennai weather, in one of the luxurious buses on smooth roads. (Yes, I'm lying.)
So what AM I going to do with myself, now that I am a graduate?
So many options, but so much confusion!
Do I study? Or work? Believe me, the temptation to start working is very high! I don't get paid for studying, right?
Anyway. I know that whatever I want to do does not really matter. Its all predestined, fashioned in a way I know I dare not imagine.
But a signpost would help Lord!!
So what AM I going to do with myself, now that I am a graduate?
So many options, but so much confusion!
Do I study? Or work? Believe me, the temptation to start working is very high! I don't get paid for studying, right?
Anyway. I know that whatever I want to do does not really matter. Its all predestined, fashioned in a way I know I dare not imagine.
But a signpost would help Lord!!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
It begins.
Okay, so I promised my friend Vinitha Anne Grace Visuvasam, that I would start writing again and here I am. Thank you dee, I needed the motivation!
So. What is this all about? THIS. Life. What does it mean to be here? "Just visiting" a la Monopoly? I think not.
What is my purpose? My destiny? To do what I will? Or the will of the One who created me? It's difficult to be Christ-like, especially when I know just HOW perfect He is.
My aim is to enjoy my life as much as I possibly can. And I have to learn to do it so that my joy flows only from HIM, and from nothing this world has to offer. Tall order God, but I know You will help!
So. What is this all about? THIS. Life. What does it mean to be here? "Just visiting" a la Monopoly? I think not.
What is my purpose? My destiny? To do what I will? Or the will of the One who created me? It's difficult to be Christ-like, especially when I know just HOW perfect He is.
My aim is to enjoy my life as much as I possibly can. And I have to learn to do it so that my joy flows only from HIM, and from nothing this world has to offer. Tall order God, but I know You will help!
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